Being Kurt
by ilovescarves89
Summary: A look at how ftm!Kurt might handle the breakup with Blaine. Set between 4.04 and 4.14 in a largely canon-compliant AU that veers off in some places. Features both Klaine and Kadam.


**Characters/pairings: ftm!Kurt, Klaine, Kadam.**  
**Warnings: Cheating of the canon variety.**  
**Word count: 5400**

**A/N: Written for the Glee Trope Flip Out. Ftm!Blaine has always spoken to me more, but I decided to take this opportunity to try my hand at ftm!Kurt. Shipwise, I'm just telling the story that wanted to be told, and I'm not here to condemn either Klaine or Kadam. I'm not going to say too much (if you're really worried feel free to shoot me pm) but suffice to say that if either ship offends you, this fic probably isn't for you.**

**This fic is marked as complete. I'm not ruling out ever returning to this verse again, but this is a one-shot for now.**

* * *

Coming out is nothing short of terrifying.

The first person he tells is his dad when he's fifteen years old and a few months into his freshman year at McKinley. He has been wearing his hair short for a while now, and his wardrobe hasn't seen a skirt for years. In hindsight he thinks his dad probably suspected something was up already, but he still spends months building up the courage to say the words out loud.

_I'm a boy_.

At first his dad is confused by the notion that his child, obsessed with Broadway and fashion, can possibly be a boy, but eventually he comes to understand that there's more to gender that the things you like to do. Particularly it helps when he fully explains the concept of dysphoria to his dad. How he hates his growing chest, the size of his hips, his small frame. How much his entire body feels like a prison.

They choose the name _Kurt_ together. His dad likes it because it means _brave_. Kurt likes it because it reminds him of The Sound of Music and his mom.

Kurt comes out at school after having spent a few months in therapy. Some people are nice about it. A loud few bully him for it. Many stare at him in the hallways. Most just don't care.

He spends a large part of his freshman year alone, too scared and insecure to even make eye contact most of the time, but things begin to change at the start of his sophomore year. He finds the courage to join his school's show choir (it helps that it's no longer run by the all too creepy Sandy Ryerson), and for the first time he has real, proper friends. Friends that like him for who he is and not who they want him to be. As much as Kurt appreciates that, however, whether it's because of the trans or the gay thing or just something innate about him, no one really _gets_ him in a way that doesn't leave him feeling alone at the end of the day.

Until Blaine.

Kurt comes out to him almost by accident, blurting it during his meltdown about the bullying. Blaine doesn't bat an eyelid, and they become best friends, growing closer and closer with every day. Kurt learns to let his guard down around Blaine, and Blaine does the same for him.

When they finally take the step from best friends to boyfriends, Kurt is more than a little terrified, but Blaine is perfect. He somehow knows just how to handle Kurt's dysphoria, which never completely goes away, even after T and top surgery; knows when to use words and when to simply hold Kurt until it passes. They keep as slow a pace as Kurt wants to, and he never has to worry that Blaine is dissatisfied. The love Blaine radiates every day is so vast and overwhelming in its surety, that Kurt feels like he would probably wait forever if he was asked to. When they do start having sex, it's when they both want to, and they try out different things, roles and positions until they find what suits them best.

Two years since they met and Blaine knows Kurt better than people who have known him for a lifetime. They're perfect together. Everything is perfect.

Until one day it isn't, and Kurt has to wonder if he ever really knew Blaine at all.

* * *

_I kinda feel like I'm gonna die_.

Kurt sits in that chair for hours, waiting for Blaine to come out. When he finally does and Kurt lays his eyes on him for the first time since his world was turned upside down – really properly looks at him – Kurt almost expects Blaine to look different, to have changed into this whole other person, one who would do this to Kurt, because his Blaine sure wouldn't.

Of course it's simply the same old Blaine, looking at him from behind the same soft hazel eyes, and the sight floors Kurt, because how is it possible that he hurt Kurt this deeply?

'Kurt, I'm-'

Kurt rises from his chair so violently that Blaine falls silent mid-sentence. Kurt brushes past him into the kitchen area. He busies himself with brewing another pot of coffee, but he can feel Blaine's eyes on him from behind him, watching, unsure.

When the silence gets too much, Kurt turns to face Blaine, taking care to avoid his eyes, because he can't look into those without seeing the boy he fell in love with. He doesn't want to see that boy right now.

'Help me make sense of this,' Kurt says quietly, his gaze settling on the collar of Blaine's pajama top.

Blaine looks unprepared for the request, and he flounders for a few moments. 'I just- I missed you.'

'You missed sex,' Kurt says harshly.

'No, I- It wasn't like that. I just wanted-'

'You know, sex _means_ something to me. I thought you understood that. I thought we were on the same page.'

'I do, Kurt, and we are,' Blaine implores, stepping closer to where Kurt is standing by the kitchen counter, gripping the edge tightly.

'Then how could you do that?' Kurt's voice is shaking with a mixture of anger and sadness as he meets Blaine's eye. 'How could you let a stranger touch you?'

Blaine is silent.

'I don't know,' he whispers.

Kurt gives a dry chuckle. 'Brilliant. So you took something private, something meant only for the two of us... You _knew_ what it took for me to share that part of myself, and you crapped all over it anyway, and for what? "I don't know."'

As Kurt wipes a tear from the corner of his eye, he finds himself thinking that though they may share common pain right now – Blaine looking as miserable as Kurt feels – Kurt has never felt so separate from Blaine.

* * *

'You okay?' becomes Rachel's most repeated phrase for a while, starting when they leave McKinley together after Grease. Always Kurt responds with a nod and a quick change of subject. It takes him until the following weekend to put things into words.

'I was called pretty a lot when I was little,' he says late at night when they're snuggled up in front of the TV. Rachel glances at him uncertainly. Kurt is aware that this is a strange conversation opener, but he presses on regardless. 'Not just by my parents but by, like, friends and random strangers sometimes. Guess I just had one of those faces. "What a pretty girl" they'd say to my parents.' Kurt stares vacantly at the TV screen. 'Of course it was never what wanted to hear. Even before I could put into words why.'

Rachel mutes the TV and shifts to sit sideways on the couch so she can watch Kurt properly. He doesn't usually talk a lot about his gender issues.

'Blaine was the first person to call me handsome, to make me feel attractive as a boy.' Kurt smiles as he thinks back to those first magical days. _You move me, Kurt_. 'I was a wreck when I first met him, and he kinda became the foundation I built myself on.' _I was with someone_ – the illusion shatters. He sighs and looks at Rachel as he finishes, 'And now it just kind of feels like I'm back to square one.'

'Sweetie, he made a mistake.' Kurt stares at her, and she rushes to explain 'I'm not saying what he did wasn't bad, but don't let it make your entire relationship meaningless or a lie.'

'It's just, I thought I knew him and- and then he does this.' Kurt swallows. 'I don't trust him anymore. And if I can't trust him, then how can I trust that no part of him did this because he needed something I couldn't give him?'

Rachel pushes aside her blanket and crawls towards Kurt's end of the couch. She puts a hand on his arm.

'Even if that's the case then that's his problem. Not yours.'

'But it is,' Kurt says, voice breaking. 'Cause without him, then who is there?'

'There's you,' Rachel says, squeezing gently around his arm. Kurt smiles at her gratefully.

But what if he doesn't like who he is without Blaine?

* * *

When Kurt tells Isabella that he's done thinking about it, done wondering if he and Blaine should get back together, they both know he only says it because he _isn't_ done. He's trying to be, but letting go isn't easy when Blaine still feels like his best friend. When he's still the first person Kurt wants to call whenever something exciting happens.

Isabella suggests that maybe Kurt needs to forgive Blaine in order to move forward, and Kurt tries. In the end he can't do it, but the conversation at Thanksgiving feels like a small step towards it. At least they're talking again, and he's learning how to hear Blaine's voice without feeling a painful lump in his throat all the time.

But on some level Kurt isn't sure that the conversation hasn't just left him more heartbroken and confused, because here is Blaine with all this warmth and love in his voice alone, reminding Kurt how much he loved Blaine once, how much he _still_ loves him, is still his best friend.

So how can he be the one to have done this to Kurt?

* * *

Kurt doesn't know what he wants anymore.

When Blaine shows up for Christmas, Kurt's smile is genuine. His stomach also flutters a little during Blaine's speech, but he convinces himself that it's only because he's missed his best friend, and that Blaine is extra needed now after the news about Kurt's dad's health. Kurt doesn't let it mean anything when it happens again on the ice. He tells himself he's relieved when there's a moment when Blaine could have kissed him but doesn't. That hugging Blaine is like hugging Finn.

They go back to the apartment after, and Kurt's dad quickly falls asleep on the couch. Kurt watches his sleeping form for a moment, wondering if this will be the last Christmas they celebrate together. Blaine puts a warm hand on Kurt's shoulder, pulls him away towards his bedroom.

'Will you stay?' Kurt asks when Blaine makes to leave him alone. Blaine is supposed to be borrowing Rachel's bed. His eyes widen at Kurt's request, and Kurt, feeling his cheeks pink, rushes to explain, 'I can't sleep and I'm afraid if I don't have someone to keep me company I'll just start worrying about Dad again.'

Blaine nods. 'Sure.'

It's all very platonic, but Kurt still feels a wave of... something, when Blaine joins him on the bed, lounging in the foot area, while Kurt creeps under the covers. The conversation is a little unsure and stilted in places, but they manage a pretty normal conversation about the state of the New Directions and Kurt's exciting future at NYADA. Eventually silence falls between them as they both begin to feel exhaustion hit.

'Was it better?' Kurt asks then, taking care to keep his voice extra low. This is one conversation he definitely doesn't want his dad accidentally overhearing.

'Was what better?' Blaine asks, eyes half-closed and stifling a yawn.

'With Eli. To be with someone...'

Kurt trails off, but Blaine seems to catch his meaning, eyes suddenly open, wide and searching.

'No, it wasn't. Did you think that's why I- Oh, Kurt.'

'Well, what was I supposed to think?'

Blaine sits up on his knees, crawling closer to where Kurt is leaned against the headboard.

'Listen, Kurt. I did what I did because...because I felt like you were slipping away from me, and everything you said wouldn't happen was happening, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was alone and no one was hearing me.'

'I wasn't hearing you,' Kurt clarifies.

'I'm not making excuses. It's just what happened.' Blaine closes his eyes for a moment, regret plain on his face. 'Eli was...a connection. But I love _you_, and I don't give a damn what's between your legs.' Blaine's eyes are wide and earnest. 'So no, it was not "better."'

'I want to believe you,' Kurt whispers.

Blaine's expression is pained. 'I did this to you. Kurt, I'm so-'

Kurt puts his finger to Blaine's lips. 'Shh, don't say it. My turn now.' His finger is still on Blaine's lips, and Kurt finds himself staring at them. 'I think it's time for me to...' Blaine's very soft, very kissable lips.

The thought shoots through Kurt like electricity, shocking him, and he snatches his hand back in a sharp movement.

'I'm thirsty,' he announces, slipping out of bed. 'Want something?'

Blaine frowns, thoroughly confused by this sudden change of subject. 'N-no thanks, I'm... fine.'

'Okay, I'll be right back.'

Once he's out in the kitchen, Kurt steadies himself against the counter. What is happening? He can't want this. On one hand it would so easy just to throw himself back in there, but Kurt is still so confused and hurt, and he doesn't know that he's back to trusting Blaine yet. Or himself for that matter, because if Blaine really felt Kurt was pulling away, he clearly could have handled the long-distance thing better.

Everything is just so confusing.

* * *

It takes several weeks for Kurt to realize that Adam is flirting with him. It's nice to have someone be interested in him that way, especially someone like Adam, who is cute and quirky in a way that's very different from Blaine. And the accent is kind of hot too.

It's new and exciting, but it's also nerve-wracking, because if Kurt wants to pursue something with this guy (and more and more Kurt thinks he does), there are things he has to tell him. That part is new but less exciting.

He brings his worries up with Rachel one night when Brody isn't home. To Kurt's surprise Rachel tells him that he shouldn't worry about telling Adam.

'I mean, do you actually want a relationship with this guy?' Rachel asks when Kurt stares at her.

'R-relationship? I- Well, I just met him.'

'_Exactly_,' Rachel says as though Kurt just hit the nail on the head. 'You're not committing to anything. So ask him out. Date him. Do the casual thing for a while. Doesn't have to be all or nothing.'

Kurt nods. Rachel is right. Why worry yet when he hasn't even figured out how well he likes Adam? There might not be sparks. And Adam is probably too old for Kurt anyway. It can just be a way to get over this Blaine thing that has been confusing him so much lately.

Yeah, casual. Kurt thinks he can do casual.

* * *

For their date they go to a coffee house that Adam knows near campus, one of those small indie places. As Adam orders for both of them, Kurt can't stop staring, marveling at the easy way he interacts with the staff.

'Free refills,' Kurt comments as they sit at a table in the corner. Private but not too intimate. 'I'm impressed.'

'Perks of being a regular, I guess,' Adam says with a small smile. He has a really cute smile. 'I've been coming here since my freshman year. One of the first things I did when I moved here actually was to look for a place like this. Reminds me of home.'

'Where are you from?' Kurt asks before taking a sip of his coffee, surprised to find that it's better than anything Starbucks has ever served him.

'Ooh, tiny place. You wouldn't have heard of it.'

'Try me.'

'You won't know it,' Adam says, voice light and almost teasing.

'_Try me_,' Kurt presses though oddly charmed by Adam's reluctance.

'London,' Adam says and they both burst out laughing. When was the last time Kurt laughed like this?

The rest of the date goes perfectly. Kurt and Adam have enough things in common that they get on well, but an equal amount of differing experiences and opinions to keep a lively conversation going for hours. When they have both finished their third cup of coffee, they agree that they have been sitting in that coffee place long enough, but neither of them really wants to say goodbye yet. They end up catching a movie at a nearby movie theater, and afterward when they are both yearning for food other than popcorn, they find a nice but cheap-looking restaurant.

It's past ten when Adam walks Kurt to the train station, his hand slipping into Kurt's easily as though it's been doing that for years. They stop outside the station, turning to each other, and Kurt finds himself gazing into Adam's eyes. His eyes are really nice.

When Adam leans closer, Kurt mirrors the movement until their lips meet. It's tender and sweet, a little unsure but so, so perfect, and Kurt feels butterflies fluttering around in his stomach.

It's not until Kurt is on the train on home that it dawns on him what is happening here. So much for casual.

* * *

The next time Kurt sees Adam is in the hall the following day, and he is immediately caught between two opposing instincts - running up and talking to him or turning on his heel and running as fast as he can in the opposite direction. In his indecision Kurt ends up just sort of standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at Adam as he talks to two members of Adam's Apples. Inevitably Adam eventually spots Kurt standing there like an idiot, and he bounces up to him.

'Hey Kurt, what's up?' Adam practically beams at him. 'You look a bit lost.'

'I am,' Kurt blurts, staring into Adam's eyes. He shakes his head. 'I- I mean, I'm n-not.' Kurt laughs nervously. 'I'm just headed to Dance.'

'Okay, well it's just down the hall and to your left,' Adam says helpfully, stifling an amused smile. Kurt feels his cheeks pink. God, he's making an idiot of himself.

'Right. Thanks.'

Kurt starts down the hall, but turns when Adam calls after him, 'I had a nice time yesterday.'

Kurt can't help his smile. 'Me too.'

'I'd like to see you again,' Adam says, closing the gap Kurt made between them when he began to leave. 'How about Friday? You can come over to mine and I'll cook us something nice.'

'Oh.' Kurt swallows. 'Uh, I'd like to, but, uh, actually I think I'm busy on Friday.'

'Oh, well, some other time then? We can-'

'I'm sorry, I have to go,' Kurt says, wincing. He really hates lying. 'I'm late for class.'

And with that Kurt turns and hurries down the hall, kicking himself internally. _Nice, Hummel. Real smooth_.

* * *

'It was the "come to my place" part, wasn't it?' Adam says, sidling up next to Kurt the next day when he's headed for lunch.

'What?' Kurt asks distractedly. He has just finished a really rough dance class, and he's not sure what Adam is talking about.

'That freaked you out. You thought I meant something more when I said that.'

'I- what? Oh.' Kurt stops in his tracks. He didn't even think that far.

'Which, for the record, I didn't. Call me a romantic, but I like taking things slow. And I like you.' Adam touches Kurt's arm lightly when he says that. 'So what do you say? Will you come over?'

Kurt is going to say no, he really is, but then Adam smiles at him – those dimples really are to die for – and the answer seems to slip out of its own accord. 'Yes, okay. I'd love to.'

* * *

The second date is even better than the first. Adam's roommates are all out, so they have the place to themselves. He is just finishing up in the kitchen when Kurt arrives, and he tells Kurt to wait in the living room for a few minutes so as not to "spoil the magic." When Kurt does enter the kitchen, his heart almost skips a beat. It's all dim lights, a neatly set table, wine glasses and candles, and wow, Kurt did not expect this when he made the decision to ask Adam out. It's so...romantic. Adult.

Kurt isn't sure if this is a good thing or not.

They sit on the couch after, some music channel or other playing quietly in the background as they continue their conversation and finish the wine. It's nice. Too nice. Somehow – Kurt isn't sure which one of them is doing it – they seem to be sitting closer and closer with every five minutes that passes until Kurt can feel Adam's thigh against his.

He looks over at Adam, suddenly right there, eyes bright and warm, mouth impossibly close. As Kurt feels warm breath ghosting over his lips, he shivers a little, and though part of him wants nothing more than to kiss Adam again, Kurt pulls away at the last second, much to Adam's confusion.

'I'm sorry. I thought-' Adam begins.

'No, I'm sorry. It's not you.'

'I'm already getting the "it's not you, it's me" speech?' Adam sighs as he leans back into his own space. 'I thought things were going well.'

'They are, Adam. And that's the problem.' Kurt bites his lip as Adam frowns at him, clearly not following. 'There are things I haven't told you. Important things.'

Adam lays a tender hand on Kurt's knee, giving him a look that is probably meant to be encouraging, but Kurt averts his eyes and shakes his head.

'I can't.'

'Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.'

Kurt looks up. Adam is probably right. From what Kurt knows of him, he will probably be really nice and accepting of what Kurt has to tell him. But Kurt has never had to do this part before, and it's more than a little scary. Everyone in his life has always just known or not mattered. The last person Kurt truly let into his heart was Blaine, and look where that ended. Second after second passes as they continue to sit there in silence, the words just on the tip of Kurt's tongue but refusing to spill.

'You know what,' Adam says finally. 'It's fine. You don't have to tell me yet. I mean, we're not getting married here.' Kurt breathes out, relaxing a bit. 'Of course I'm just choosing to believe that you're not secretly a serial killer or something.'

Kurt releases a breathy laugh. He loves how Adam can make him laugh. 'No, it's nothing like that.'

'Then we're good. We can just keep doing what we're doing, and you can tell me when you're ready. Sound good?'

'Yeah, good.' Kurt smiles and later he steals a brief kiss from Adam's lips, but still leaves the apartment at the end of the night with a knot in his stomach.

* * *

The knot doesn't really lessen until he's back in Lima for Mr. Schue's wedding the week after. Kurt would have been annoyed with his old teacher choosing Valentine's Day of all days to get married, but if he's honest, Kurt kind of appreciates the excuse not to spend the day with Adam. Adam who has kept his promise not to pressure Kurt into anything, so right now they're just enjoying each other's company - it's easy and light and they laugh a lot – but it's also complicated in a way it never was with Blaine.

Blaine who is still Kurt's best friend, but who it confuses Kurt to be around, because they used to be so much more, and Kurt wonders if he will ever not have those feelings for Blaine, even if just a little bit.

'So Kurt,' Mercedes says as they are driving to the wedding, Rachel next to her and Kurt in the backseat with Blaine. 'I see you haven't brought your new beau. What was his name? A...something.'

'Oh. Yeah. Adam. Well, it's really not that serious yet. It's still new,' Kurt says, hoping his explanation comes across as smooth.

'What?' Blaine says quietly next to Kurt, and an uncomfortable silence falls over the car as everyone realizes that Blaine hasn't heard about Adam until now.

They arrive early, so Kurt and Blaine stay behind while the girls head inside. They sit in awkward silence for a moment.

'So this is news,' Blaine says then.

'Yeah. I was going to tell you, but I didn't want things to be weird.' Kurt forces a laugh, hoping to bring some levity. 'Too late for that, I guess.'

'Kurt, it's not weird,' Blaine says, trying and failing not to show his hurt. 'I just want you to be happy. You deserve that.'

Kurt scoots closer, and he covers Blaine's hand with his in what he hopes is a comforting gesture, his heart aching a bit when Blaine turns his head away from him in response. Kurt doesn't hate Blaine anymore. The fact that he has forgiven Blaine has been an unspoken understanding between them for a while now. He has no desire for Blaine to hurt over this.

'He's not you,' Kurt says, and Blaine looks up at him, eyes shining through long lashes, suddenly much too close to Kurt's.

'Isn't that the point?'

Kurt doesn't know the answer to that. Doesn't know much of anything, really. All he sees are Blaine's familiar eyes and soft lips. Everything is so warm and safe. There are no secrets, only shared history and a boy who knows him better than anyone.

* * *

It's supposed to end in the car.

Kurt doesn't plan – and definitely _hasn't _planned _– _for it to happen, but he ends up spending most of his time at the wedding with Blaine. They sing together, dance together, mingle with the crowd and chat together. Neither of them really question it, because it just feels natural to them. He tells himself – tells Blaine who laughs an agreement – that it's nothing. Because it is. It can't mean anything more. Can it?

When they walk upstairs together later in the night, Kurt is just tipsy enough on the wine Santana snuck him with her fake ID that he doesn't question that either. It's been so long but Blaine's touch is sure and practiced when he guides Kurt to bed and peels his clothes off layer by layer.

When Blaine kisses him everywhere, Kurt doesn't feel self-conscious at all. He doesn't have to think about how his hips are a little too wide, how his waist is too narrow. Blaine runs his hands across Kurt's chest, unblinking at the faded but still visible scars that run a few inches below his nipples, because he has done it so many times before.

Blaine knows exactly where and how to touch, and Kurt knows him in return. When Blaine goes down on him, there is no fear about whether he's enough for Blaine, because he already knows that he is. Maybe this is really where he belongs. Here with Blaine and not out chasing older men.

'Tell me now that we're not back together,' Blaine says when it's over and Kurt is getting dressed by the mirror. The sad look and the wet eyes from the car have been replaced by a calm, confident demeanor.

Some part of Kurt is still holding him back from agreeing, however, and he takes a moment before responding, 'I mean, it was fun, but-'

'Don't, I'm not gonna let you minimize this Kurt,' Blaine says, cutting Kurt off. He grabs Kurt's jacket from the bed, and moves towards Kurt. 'It's no accident that we were together at Christmas and again on Valentine's Day.'

Kurt turns suddenly before Blaine can put the jacket on him. He sighs and moves past Blaine to sit on the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands. He feels the mattress dip behind him when Blaine joins him.

'Kurt?' he asks uncertainly.

'I'm a mess, Blaine.'

Blaine puts a hand on his shoulder. 'Hey, that's okay.'

'No, I mean...' Kurt removes his hands, stares at his jacket which Blaine has thrown across a chair. 'I shouldn't have come up here with you.'

'Don't say that,' Blaine whispers, and at once he's back to being that boy Kurt first kissed in the car earlier today. Kurt shifts on the bed, so he can look at Blaine better.

'Look, the truth is I still have feelings for you. And when I close my eyes and imagine my life in five, ten years, I see... I don't _not_ see you there. Does that make sense?'

Blaine nods but the uncertainty and confusion is clear in his eyes. He looks kind of like how Kurt has been feeling lately, only things are starting to get clearer now.

'But I think...' Kurt continues. 'I think one of the reasons we ended up here tonight was my fear of letting someone else into my life.'

'Adam,' Blaine says. It's not a question, but Kurt nods anyway.

'And that's not something to build a relationship on,' Kurt says, getting to the point. Even ignoring the cheating and all the hurt around that, Kurt can't be in a relationship with Blaine if it's based on fear of another one. 'Adam's a really good guy. You'd like him.' Kurt moves to stand up, and the hand on his shoulder slides off and lands limply at Blaine's side. 'I have to see where this leads.'

Blaine's _Okay_ is barely more than mouthed, but he nods his understanding. As Blaine slides off the bed, Kurt watches him visibly composing himself, and his heart clenches painfully. He never meant for this, and he feels terrible for making Blaine get his hopes up, only to shoot them down again so soon.

'Okay,' Blaine says, audibly this time. He walks around the bed to where Kurt is standing, and he takes Kurt's hand in his carefully, watching Kurt's eyes for any indication that this is not okay. Kurt squeezes Blaine's hand in reassurance. 'But just to clarify. We're not saying... never? Just...'

'Not right now,' Kurt finishes for him, as he takes a step backwards, letting his hand slide out of Blaine's. He smiles sadly. 'I'll see you downstairs?'

'Mm-hm,' Blaine says, pressing his lips together, Kurt suspects, in an effort not to let emotion get the best of him.

Kurt puts his jacket back on quickly. The sooner he's out of here the better for the both of them probably.

'And Kurt?' Blaine says just as Kurt is about to leave, his voice steady and his face a perfect mask of calm when Kurt looks back at him. 'Let me know how it goes when you tell him? As your friend, I mean,' he adds when Kurt doesn't immediately reply.

Kurt smiles, sad at this parting but happy in the knowledge that no matter what, Blaine will always be his friend.

'I will.'

* * *

Kurt spends an entire half hour leading up to Adam's arrival at his door pacing around the apartment, sure in his decision, if a little nervous – but that's okay, it just means that tonight's outcome matters to him – and he jumps when he hears the knock on the door.

'Hi,' Adam says as he steps inside, his face lighting up at the sight of Kurt, and Kurt can't help but relax also. 'How are you? How was Lima?'

'Good, good,' Kurt says, not really hearing the question. He swallows. 'Please sit down. I have something to tell you.'

Kurt is honestly scared when he sits down opposite Adam at the kitchen table. He has practiced the words endlessly in his mind, but after a certain point how tonight ends isn't up to him. There is still a chance that Adam won't want anything to do with him after tonight. For a moment Kurt almost thinks he won't be able to go through with it, but then he remembers why his dad loves the name they chose for him so much, and he remembers the words his dad always used to tell him when he was younger and the unkindness of the world got him down.

_Be brave. Be Kurt._


End file.
